I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
