3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
