why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
