She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
