I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
