There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
