why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
