Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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