Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
