I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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