what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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