On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
