I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
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dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
lol hangovers are for mortals.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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