I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
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I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
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She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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