Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize