Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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