Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
