she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
