Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Randomize
