is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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