Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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