Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
