I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
there is glitter all over my balls
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