i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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