I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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