and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
