Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
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Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
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I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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