I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
PANTIES FOUND
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