I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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