ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
These tits shall not be calmed
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
