She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
