When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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