My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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