I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
