it's too hot outside to masturbate.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
