threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
