I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize