it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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