never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
