i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
