I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
ugly people sure do ruin things
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
