woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
