My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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