I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I will pee on everything he values.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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