You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
