What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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