I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
