Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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