Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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