The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize