So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
