how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
