I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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