Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Actions speak louder than pants.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
