I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
