the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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